When Should I Say No?

The altruism question

A typical dilemma among meditators goes something like this: “Love and compassion is my practice, so if someone really needs help, I should jump in. But so many people need help, so much of the time — how can I possibly say yes to everybody without getting completely depleted?” For practitioners who strive to be altruistic and generous, it’s a common concern.

Fortunately, the Tergar tradition provides guidelines. For one thing, our approach to helping others must be in accord with both our capacities and our limitations. Having love, compassion, and good conduct is not synonymous with having no boundaries, taking actions that fly in the face of common sense, or sacrificing your own well-being for another. In fact, establishing boundaries is crucial. Willingness, too, is key. If in doubt, “Don’t do it if you think you will regret it later” is a good guiding principle.

“You do it . . . my back hurts.”

If this seems like some version of letting yourself off the hook, you can always look to the Buddha as a role model. To say he was generous about giving teachings would be a vast understatement, yet a famous episode in the Sekha-patipada Sutta describes him responding with what you might call “a hard no.” Having spent the previous evening “instructing, urging, rousing, and encouraging” an assembly, he was asked to do it all over again the next morning. The Buddha turned to his disciple, Ananda, and told him to go on in his place, concluding with, “My back aches. I will rest it.” At which point he stretched out on the ground and took a nice little nap. Notice that the Buddha didn’t simply walk out on the situation — he found another solution, in this case by delegating responsibility.