AS A PERSON who temperamentally is not inclined to be anxious or to have issues with feelings of profound fear and panic, I was completely surprised and almost totally overwhelmed by panic attacks on two occasions. They occurred about 20-25 years ago.

The circumstance that unexpectedly triggered this response was an MRI scan. The moment that I entered the MRI, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of claustrophobia and fear that very quickly developed into a full-blown panic attack. This occurred completely out of the blue and without warning. The scan was fairly long, about an hour and a half, and for that whole period, through sheer force of will, I lay rigidly still while I internally suppressed the relentless waves of emotion that continued nonstop until the session was finished.

Thinking back on this experience, I can still feel every fiber of the reactions in my body and mind. At that time, I did not have the benefit of the years of practice and training with emotions that I have now, so all I could do was react to this experience in the only way that I knew how at that time, with aversion, force, and resistance. It did work on one level; I managed to finish the scan without having to do it over again.

To say that the experience left me shocked and traumatized would be an understatement. I have only had one other experience like it since. About two years after the first scan, I needed to have another one. This one was to be a two-hour scan. I approached the first MRI without any knowledge of what was to come, so I had no expectations around what the experience would be. No, anxiety, no fear, just a painless routine procedure that would be uneventful, or so I thought.

Having had such a shocking experience during the first scan, I now had to deal with all the anxiety that arose in anticipation of the second. The panic of panic in all its glory made the second experience even worse than the first. I won’t go into the details, but again, as I did the first time, I met the experience with even more force and determination. Yes, I could have been sedated, but again, that is not in my nature to deal with things in this way. So, I responded as one so often does, by repeating the same unskilful solution that had worked for me in the past, and again managed to complete the scan. At the same time, I added another layer of trauma to the experience.

This brings us to the present day, and yes, as you might have guessed, I am once again facing an MRI. I am in a much different place at this time with many more years of practice experience behind me, much of it focused on Mingyur Rinpoche’s teachings. I have had enough lead time to anticipate how to react and deal with the situation ahead. I would be lying if I said I was 100% sure the experience would be different this time. However, I do trust in the teachings and practice, so I put my faith in them. 

With two months’ advance notice of the scheduled appointment, there was a lot of time to work with the different practices and decide which would be best when the time arrived. For the most part, there was a limited experience of the panic of panic leading up to the scan. Even though the circumstances were now different, some level of anxiety was definitely present as the past experiences were still as vivid today as they were back then. For the most part, I was able to manage the anticipation of what was to come relatively easily.

In the end, it really boiled down to one simple practice: recognizing that I was the ocean and not the waves, the sky and not the clouds, that my fundamental nature could not in any way be harmed, altered, or damaged by this experience. It was beyond all of this. In the end, just being with my fundamental nature, identifying with it rather than with the emotions, was all that I needed to do. Any thoughts, feelings, emotions, and sensations that arose when observed and left alone dissolved as quickly as they came.

This brings us to the actual day of the MRI. When the day finally came, I had pretty much exhausted all my anxiety. It was simply just a case of letting go and being with things as they were. My appointment was at 5:15 PM, and I arrived at 4:45 PM as requested. I did the prep work, filled out the forms, and was called in fairly quickly with no real wait.

These machines are more modern now, and I found them surprisingly comfortable — nice soft headrest, earplugs for the noise, and padded sides. As I waited for the scan to start, I just relaxed and rested naturally. The scan started, and then nothing happened. I was comfortable, there was no hint of claustrophobia, no hint of fear or panic, nothing at all, and then it was over. The absence of any reaction or response was almost as surprising as the original panic attack itself.

As I was driving home, there was a powerful sense of relief, happiness, and elation. I was overwhelmed with a real sense of disappointment that things had gone so well. Now, how perversely ridiculous is that? I was deeply disappointed because I didn’t have the opportunity to put any of the techniques I had been practicing into practice. All that work, preparing and becoming familiar with the practices that I would do when the panic arrived, and I never had a chance to use any of them. I never had the opportunity to test them out and see whether they would really work in a real-life situation. How frustrating!

As I stopped at a red light, my musings came to a full stop as well, and I could do nothing other than laugh so hard that I could barely catch my breath. I suddenly realized that I had overlooked the obvious. All the preparation and practice had worked so well that in the end, it just wasn’t needed. All I had to do was just rest naturally and be with things as they were, pure and simple. At least I provided some entertainment for those waiting at the light with me, who clearly looked puzzled by why I was sitting in my car in the middle of rush-hour traffic, laughing by myself. Then the light turned green.

One final thought, and that is that I feel fully prepared for whatever comes next. Of course, I might once again face a similar experience, but I am confident I have all the tools that I need to handle any situation that may arise. All I have to do is remember that I am the ocean and not the waves, and that my fundamental nature is beyond.

April 2026